Cupertino, CA —- Technology giant, Apple, Inc, has come under fire this week, after its alleged ninja emoji is said to appear to look like a member of the Palestinian terror group, Hamas. With the war at hand, and an unprecedented rise in global antisemitism, it’s now more important than ever for Apple to make sure they’re not alienating any of their customers.
In the past, Apple has made changes to its emoji catalogue after public outcry, including redesigning the handgun to look like a squirt gun, and adding a pregnant man. A petition to remove the Hamas doppelgänger is available on change.org and has over two million signatures. At press time, Apple could not be reached for comment.
San Antonio, TX — A local supermarket chain, now previously known as H-E-B, announced tonight they are changing their name, after a recent rise in antisemitism has caused some negative responses to their well known brand. H-E-B’s Public Relations Representative, Peter McPeterson, gave a press conference tonight on the matter.
“For many years, H-E-B has been confused as a Jewish company, as people think the name is pronounced ‘Heeb,’ short for ‘Hebrew.’ After the events of the past month, tonight, I can say, with absolutely no hesitation whatsoever, that we are distancing ourselves from the Hebrews, which is why we have decided to change our name to P-A-L. This doesn’t stand for anything, it just means we are your pal. Unless you’re Jewish, of course. Then we are not your pal. You can go shop at Trader Jew’s. Subsequently, our mascot’s name will also be changing from H-E-Buddy to H-E-Pal, because he is also your pal. Yes that’s what the new name means. We are pals.”
McPeterson said the name change will be effective immediately, with store signage modifications and re-branding happening throughout the week. Gift cards and rewards will still be accepted. A 23 and Me DNA test will be given at the door for anyone wishing to shop there.
San Francisco, CA — The online education service, MasterClass, announced this week it would soon offer a new course on gaslighting, taught by prominent leaders of the terrorist organization, Hamas. Hamas, whose vanguards live luxurious lives in Dubai, while their people live in poverty and squalor in the Gaza Strip, are master gaslighters. The 10 part course will be taught by Hamas media representative, Mohammed Al-Mohammed, and comes with a free 30 minute trial.
An excerpt from Al-Mohammed’s class:
“Gaslighting, it so easy.
Step 1) Choose a religion. Any religion. Learn all of their laws. Any time anyone accuses you of breaking any of the laws, just say you obviously didn’t do it, because you don’t break the laws of that religion. Nobody will question this.
Step 2) Point out there is no evidence of what they say you did. Nobody will search for any. They just take your word for it.
Step 3) Blame the Jews. Always blame the Jews. Everyone hates the Jews, so this will win anyone over. Even Jews hate other Jews. Just look at Ben and Jerry’s or Bernie Sanders!
For me, it also helps I visited the United States in college to attend Harvard University for theatre. I would say it has helped me be more convincing.”
After high demand, ‘Hamas Teaches Gaslighting’ will be the first course available for MasterClass New Zealand, beginning next month.
Basking Ridge, NJ — Last week, Ruthy Levinstein, of the Somerset County Levinsteins, opened her Bible, and saw that The Torah doesn’t actually say to not eat food on Yom Kippur. Instead, Leviticus 23, instructs us to afflict ourselves and deny ourselves, but does not go into specifics of what that entails. Levinstein decided to take matters into her own hands, and observe the Jewish Day of Atonement in an Unorthodox manner…both literally and figuratively.
“I have Celiac Disease,” Levinstein shared in an Instagram story. “Since I’m not supposed to eat, touch, or look at gluten, I decided to indulge myself…out of affliction! I spent my entire day yesterday eating gluten! I went to the mall food court and just cut loose! First I went to McDonald’s and ate an entire day’s worth of calories, but I couldn’t stop there! I was already in too deep. Then I went to Cinnabon for a pecan roll, and then I went to Auntie Anne’s for an original pretzel with no salt. That was followed by a dozen Munchkins from Dunkin Donuts, and a Cheesy Gordita Crunch at Taco Bell. After T Bell, I ordered some samosas and garlic naan from Mumbai To Go, and finally orange chicken and cream cheese rangoons from Panda Express. I even hit up Sbarro for some crappy pizza, just because I could! I was starting to feel like Joey Chestnut at this point. I was unstoppable!!! So I swung by Subway for a sub sample, and then I ventured to my favorite out parcel and topped everything off with a slice of French silk pie from Bakers Square. I thought I was finally finished, but, as I was driving away, I noticed an Olive Garden in the distance, and I really needed some breadsticks and fettuccine alfredo! I was like the very hungry caterpillar/Jewterpillar!! And, also, it turns out I have a tape worm. It felt so good emotionally to be able to do this, but I’m definitely paying the price, because I, unsurprisingly, wound up in the hospital! I will be afflicted by this for the next two months, at least. I denied myself my health, so I feel I have fulfilled the requirement of Yom Kippur in The Torah. I also afflicted my bank account, as fast food is anything but cheap these days. Not to mention the hospital bill I’ll be stuck with now. I also kind of wished I had picked higher quality food, but that Quarter Pounder with cheese hits differently when it’s forbidden. I honestly could have done this everyday for a week and still not have eaten all the things I miss, but even recklessness has its limits. Case in point, I’m in the hospital.”
While afflicting yourself comes in many forms, we do not recommend putting your health and or safety in jeopardy to do it.
Lake of the Ozarks, MO – Shocking news out of Holy Redeemer Church of the Uncrossed Arms in Osage Beach this week, after an altar call prompted a man to publicly confess to murdering his dinner the previous night. When asked if there was anyone present who felt they needed to repent for sinning, congregant, Derek Larter, broke down in tears and and asked to share a confession with his church family.
“It is with a heavy heart, I must admit to everyone that I committed murder last night,” Larter shared with his congregation, via the church’s livestream. “My wife made the most amazing looking spaghetti that I have ever laid eyes on in my life…and I absolutely KILLED that plate of food. And then I did it again. And then once more. I don’t know what came over me. I was completely out of control. Things got out of hand. I allowed sin to take me over, and I am truly sorry…to my wife, to our kids, and to anyone else I may have hurt. I am ashamed of my actions, and I ask forgiveness for my atrocious behavior. I’m grateful Jesus died on the cross for a sinner like me, and I promise I will do everything in my power to seek help and make sure this never happens again. Also, if you ever get a chance to try my wife’s cooking, you should absolutely do it!”
The Elders of Larter’s church have suspended him from the audio visual team for one year, and are requiring him to seek counseling with the Senior Pastor. We will post more on this story as it develops.
Frisco, TX — Local woman, Rachel Rustein, was greeted with a surprise this week, after visiting a new friend from another culture, in the midst of Spring. After going to a Gentile friend’s house, and finding she doesn’t keep Kleenex on hand, Rustein realized her friend may have a superpower, that involves being immune to pollen.
“I was at my new friend’s house today, and she’s not Jewish. I sneezed like 12 times in a row, and couldn’t find any Kleenex at all,” Rustein kvetched to her Jewish friends on a WhatsApp group chat. “She told me she didn’t have any, and to just use toilet paper…what??? Like how do you not have any Kleenex in your house at all? It’s weird enough to not have a box in every single room, but to not have any in your home at all? I don’t understand. I asked her what she does during allergy season, and she asked me what allergy season is! How do these magical people exist, and can I get a blood transfusion from one of them??? I swear my blood is like 50% Zyrtec, at this point. I guess Gentiles don’t need to keep Kleenex on hand, because they don’t have food intolerances like we do?”
Puff’s Plus has since reached out to both parties to offer support, as well as a year supply of tissues, though that number of boxes will vary greatly between the two women.
Caldwell, ID — The Men of Valor from Chicken Dinner Road Church in Caldwell, Idaho have a monthly tradition that involves getting in touch with nature at a nearby recreation area, known as “Satan’s Canyon.” A popular destination for hiking and picnicking, the CDRCMOV love to commune with each other without their wives nagging them to finally fix the garage door like they promised last year.
“Every 4th Saturday of the month, we, men, get together to hang out at Satan’s Canyon,” Church member, Mike Rensch, announced to the congregation on Sunday.“Sometimes we hike, sometimes we grill, sometimes we fish, sometimes we canoe, sometimes we toss the old pig skin around; it’s a very spiritual place. Genesis 1:1 says God created the Earth, so what better way to be out in God’s creation than spending time at Satan’s Canyon?? Quick disclaimer though, something bad seems to happen every time we go; either someone gets hurt or falls in the lake, once someone even hit a stray baby cow with their car. It’s still very sad to think about the damage that the car incurred from that incident. And also the poor baby cow. The delicious delicious baby cow that we wound up just throwing on the BBQ. Waste not, want not! Rest in peace, baby cow. We did have a gold statue of the calf installed there in remembrance, and we make sure to gather around it and say a prayer everytime we meet there. Like I said, it’s a very spiritual place, and if you have a Y chromosome, you should absolutely join us this week. We are challenging ourselves to keep returning every month until we can be incident free. And then we’ll keep coming back, because we really believe God wants us to keep spending time together at Satan’s Canyon. Be blessed. Hope to see y’all there.”
If you’d like to join the Men of Valor for this month’s spiritual outing at Satan’s Canyon, you can contact Mike at (208) 555-1224
Trenton, NJ — A local woman was arrested, and sentenced to five years in prison last Fall, after being found to be creating and distributing black market access codes for the personality test, StrengthsFinder. Gallup, the company that publishes the assessment, pressed charges against 32 year old Shannon Lannon, upon discovering the fraudulent codes, and where they originated from. Unlike other popular personality tests, StrengthsFinder does require you to purchase a book with an access code in it, in order to take the test. According to the Gallup website, the book retails for $39.99, with a current sale price of $19.99.
“Look, I know what it’s like to struggle with money,” Lannon explained, in an exclusive phone interview. “$40, even $20…that’s gas money for some people. And then you only get your top 5 strengths from that. You have to pay even more if you want your full list of all 34 strengths! Myers-Briggs, Enneagram, Love Language, DISC…none of them charge you money to get your results. And with StrengthsFinder, some companies hire based off of your results, and there are books out about how to use your Strengths in your marriage. I just think everyone should be able to access it. So I may have hacked into their system and generated my own codes that would be compatible with their website, and then I sold them for $5 a pop, because Mama has to eat too, ya know? I’m basically a modern day Robin Hood. Rob from the rich and give to the poor…if Robin Hood made a small profit off of what he was doing. But, listen, I shouldn’t be locked up for trying to help people. My only mistake was selling the codes on Fiverr, because that’s how they found me. But five years in the slammer is a little extreme, and I’m currently working with both my lawyer and my Strengths Coach on how to best use my strengths to negotiate my way outta here.”
Lannon hopes to be released from prison within the next few months, and says her top 5 strengths are Includer, Maximizer, Strategic, Empathy, and Achiever.
Lake Forest, CA — The Blue Letter Bible Project announced this week it will be adding over 100 new millennial slang words to Strong’s Concordance, in preparation of the upcoming Millennial Bible Translation (MBT), that is expected to be published and distributed sometime next year.
A partial list of the added vernacular was leaked on Reddit early this morning, and includes the following:
•Amazeballs
•Bootylicious
•Bromance
•Cray
•D’oh
•Instagram Husband
•Janky
•Legit
•Phat
•Totally Tubular
•Yeet
The millennial word reference numbers will start with the letter “M,” in order to differentiate them from the original Greek or Hebrew. Though these words did not initially appear in the King James Version (KJV), they are a welcome update to a reference that otherwise leaves out any English version Bible translation that was published after 1611.
An advance copy of the MBT Book of Jonah has already been released, and is available to read here.
Annapolis, MD — 45 year old Sheila Walls of Annapolis had a falling out with her church this week, after walking into her 10:00am Sunday service and seeing the chairs in the sanctuary had been completely rearranged from what she was used to. Walls, who likes to sit in the same seat every week, had a complete Type A meltdown after seeing the changes, which resulted in her walking out the door and opting never to return.
“I’ve been a member of this church for THREE YEARS!” Walls said in her resignation letter to her Pastor. I am a MEMBER here. I TITHE here. These changes need to be run by us at the semi-annual business meeting and let us vote on it before they can just happen. If you’re going to just be reckless and make decisions ‘as The Spirit leads,’ then I cannot be part of this…haphazard chaos! I understand it was for everyone’s safety to divide the sanctuary into a moshing section and a non moshing section during worship, but next time you need to take your members’ opinions into consideration. This church is a democracy, not an oligarchy!”
Walls’ now former Pastor encouraged her to not act in her flesh, but she has already found a new church that uses pews that cannot be moved so easily.
messianiccomedy.com 